Verbal Switchblade

Dear Diary

vanessa — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 05:05:10 +0000

After watching too many episodes of “Hoarders”, I started organizing my closet and came across a stack of old journals. Reading through these is both mortifying and highly entertaining, my entries range from insufferable to down right adorable. Here’s one that tugged at my heart strings, written in 1995 at the end of my first year in college.

When I was a little girl I used to think about what I would be like in high school and college. Now that I’m about to enter my second year of college, I’m thinking I did something wrong. I don’t think of myself as an adult, not even a young adult. I still feel like a seven year old kid running around in an adult world. Sometimes I’ll catch myself in a situation and think, “What am I doing here?” I start to feel like I don’t belong there and everyone who sees me will know it.

Just when I started thinking… hey, maybe I wasn’t such a little idiot, I came across this little gem.

I’m finding it very difficult to accept adulthood. Oh well, I guess one thing to look forward to is that I’ll get some new shoes tomorrow.

If I could go back and talk to my 18 year old self I’d tell her thanks for the laughs, girl. Oh, and just say no to the black lipstick.

Footlong Fairytale

vanessa — Mon, 17 Sep 2012 22:07:21 +0000

Once upon a time, two cousins found themselves longing for a satisfying lunch. They knew that a burger wouldn’t suffice, a sandwich, not even a taco was going to get the job done. There was only one thing that would do — a hot dog. A foot long from Garage Dogs, to be exact.

Faces were stuffed, minds were blown, and dreams came true.

And they lived happily ever after…

Summer Lovin’ Outfit

vanessa — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 17:01:48 +0000

The temperature was supposed to be in the 90s today so I knew I had to lighten things up in wardrobe department. Lucky for me, I had a dress waiting in my closet that was perfect for a summer scorcher.

This Birdcage dress from ASOS caught my eye a couple of months ago but I never seemed to have the right occasion to wear it. But today’s rising mercury meant it was the perfect day to slip on this cute little number. I keep twirling down the hall and in every mirror (when no one else is watching), I can’t help it! The skirt is one of those perfect swirly-twirly skirts that floats around your legs, but never reveals your chonies, like something out of a black & white musical.

Not only did it keep me cool at the office, but it made me stop thinking about my hair – which I had cut in the throes of a heat related anxiety attack, and am now freaking out about because it feels too short.

As Seen On TV

vanessa — Mon, 23 Jul 2012 18:13:20 +0000

One of my many beauty obsessions is minimizing my pores, I won’t be satisfied until my skin looks like cake fondant. Two Birchboxes ago I received Masqueology’s Pore Minimizing Mask and thought two things: 1) why isn’t it called a “masque”? and 2) omg this looks kind of amazeballs.

I danced into the bathroom, slipped the mask out and applied it ever so carefully. It wasn’t easy, because the mask was super heavy and had these weird tabs where the eye, nose, and mouth cut-outs were placed. Then I looked up and saw my reflection…

Did it work to magically shrink my pores? I have no idea.

Did it allow me to scare my dog and chase him around the yard? You betcha.

Leaving the Nest

vanessa — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 16:15:31 +0000

After ten long years, it’s time to fly the coop! Today is my last day at my current job, where I started as a file room temp way back in 2002. There have been many ups and downs, fortunately much more of the former than the latter. I’m about to jump into a whole new adventure, so I’m a little nervous. I’ve been obsessively applying lip stain and asking Jean-Luc for strength.

The one who really needs a gargoyle guardian is the poor girl who is taking my position, she’s had just over three days to try to learn everything I do. I’ll be rooting for her… while I catch some much needed sleep on Monday morning.

Summer Shades

vanessa — Wed, 30 May 2012 17:01:34 +0000

Summer is right around the corner, finally! There are many things a-brewin’ for me right now, I’m knocking on so much wood these days, trying to keep the good mojo flowing. I took a trip to Colorado, and the weather was amazing! I realized too late that the sunglasses I took with me didn’t sit evenly on my face, ugh. Trapped with inferior eye wear for a week is torture for me. My gothic eyes are super sensitive to light, so I had to keep those see-sawing glasses on my face all day.

Upon my return to reality, I took a huge step towards my new life plans and gave my two week notice at my current job. Okay, it was more like three weeks notice, but still, big leap! To celebrate my bright new future, and fix the problem of the pesky crooked sunglasses, I got a new pair of x-ray specs!

I’d fallen in love with these Kate Spade New York ‘Franca’ Sunglasses months ago, and finally decided to take the retail plunge. I regret nothing!

Rainy Day Outfit

vanessa — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 18:50:51 +0000

This crazy weather can’t make up its mind today, rain or shine? I didn’t let the back and forth stop me from busting out my new spring dress from Target. Purple-pink, with a ruched bodice, zipper detail AND pockets, I adore a dress with pockets. It’s the little things in life, my friends. Target, you little minx, just when I’ve given up on you, you offer me a little gem like this. I threw on a black cardigan from Torrid, featuring a big sugar skull design on the back (GOTHIC!) and black tights. I thought my body might go into shock without a comforting layer of black clothing surrounding it.

Dress: Target, not currently available online but similar to this one * Cardigan: Torrid, black sugar skull cardigan * Necklace: Idle Hands Designs (personalized with Oliver’s name)

Oliver Goes Viral

vanessa — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 17:01:29 +0000

Well, well, well… look who made it into the 33 Animals Who Are Extremely Disappointed In You.

Oliver, who has already usurped my position as favorite child with my parents, is now trying to eclipse me on the internet. Well played, Oliver. Well played…

It’s Just a Phase

vanessa — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 17:01:43 +0000

That’s me, at about age 3 or 4… and probably the last time my weight wasn’t an issue in my life. Except for the obsession with Underoos, I was a pretty normal kid. But bad habits and a family who expresses love (and all the other emotion) with food turned me from the average lil’ superhero to a chubby chica by the age of about 7. I can still remember the awful feeling when I realized I was bigger than all my friends. Not surprisingly, I developed a quick wit that was always ready with a comeback for anyone who tried teasing me. Although I inherited the metabolism of a Galapagos Tortoise, I was blessed with a brain full of smarts. Because the only thing more traumatizing than growing up as a fat girl, is growing up as a stupid fat girl.

One of the best things I ever heard about insults and barbs being throws came from the movie “Paris is Burning”, when Dorian Corey is explaining the art of throwing shade. Thankfully, I saw this movie while I was still in high school and it helped me get some perspective. In a nutshell, calling a fat person “fat” is an observation, not really much an insult. If the best the asshole making fun of me for being chubs can come up with is a (poorly delivered, by the way) fat joke, he’s not really worth worrying too much about. Thanks, and enjoy peaking at the age of 16… and the premature ejaculation.

Anyway, back to me. I’ve struggled with weight all of my adult life, gained and lost, lost and gained, the whole chunky roller coaster. It doesn’t help that I have zero interest in sports or any physical activity that requires actual physical activity. I wrote about starting a running (okay, fine, jogging) program a few months ago, and that’s still going well. Even when I lost motivation and didn’t feel like running, I made myself at least get out and walk. Something crazy happened… for the first time ever, I didn’t gain any weight back. I wasn’t really losing anything anymore, but I was managing to keep off the 10 or so pounds I’d already lost.

Here’s my cliche moment, ready? It was like someone flipped a switch in a dark, cobwebbed part of my brain. Oh! So, this is how it works? If I keep doing some sort of exercise and watching what I eat I can maintain progress? Hmm… good to know. Instead of doing what I always do (reach for the remote and the bag of something fried and salted), I decided I might be on to something with this whole diet and exercise thing. As luck would have it, a couple of friends mentioned the South Beach diet, and I decided to look into it.

There are thousands upon thousands of diets out there, and I’ve tried my fair share. South Beach actually sounded reasonable, and something I could learn to do everyday, not just for a couple of months. After hearing about it from a couple of friends and reading through the nitty gritty of the book, I decided to go for it. It helped that another friend was into the idea as well, and would be my SBB (South Beach Buddy). The phrase, “Misery loves company” has never felt for apt.

The most daunting part seems to be Phase One, a two week “detox” that’s recommended for people (like me) are lovers of all things carby and sugary. It blows – no bread, pasta, or fruit. The obvious things are forbidden too: alcohol, chips, cookies, candy, chocolate, aka everything I love. It’s only two weeks, then we’ll get to add a bunch of other foods in Phase Two. I am counting the minutes until I can can have brown rice.

A few days in, and it’s not actually that bad. I made sure to stock up on a variety of Phase One friendly foods so I wouldn’t lose my mind. The most difficult meal is breakfast, I can only think of so many ways to prepare eggs. During the day, I’m surprisingly satisfied. I did get a gnarly headache on day two, but I stayed strong and snacked on some low fat string cheese while imagining zipping up the dress I bought that is currently too small to actually wear in public.

I’m sure the visions will subside by the end of the first week, right?

Mad About Lashes

vanessa — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 20:11:53 +0000

I tried a 60s inspired makeover over on Whoreders, where we’re celebrating Mad Men week. Can false eyelashes be permanently attached?